A Letter to My Bella.

My Love,

Isabella ParaLeigh Earls. Just saying your name makes me get flutters in my tummy as though you have a power to move me from within. You, my love, are a perfect gift from God fashioned with all of my favorite things (as though God knew how much I would love you). He created you in my womb as delicately as a potter molds his clay. You are the product of the intense love between me and your daddy. You were prayed for before you twinkled in our eyes for the first time. We prayed for a child that would do great things and impact the world, but mostly that you would love your Creator as we love him. I still pray this prayer my sweet. Your arrival into this world, though tumultuous, was a miracle... as powerful and providential as I've ever seen or felt. God kept you safe as you arrived seven weeks early, unannounced. He kept you breathing in the incubator as I lovingly stroked your face and saw small, quiet tears roll down your daddy's face. He watched over us as we stepped into an empty nursery and fell to the floor in the immense sorrow of your absence. We loved you before we met you, and after you joyously appeared...well, we lived for you.

Today I pray the Lord continues to mold you with his delicate touch. That God would wrap his arms around you and impart in you the wisdom of his great mercy. I pray that He would perform miracles (like he has proven to do before) in your mind and bless your understanding and development. I pray that autism would be a fleeting word that we do not dwell on, that we would rise above and beyond the constraints of this world and focus our trust on Him. I lay you at the foot of the cross my babe. Every morning. It is there were we experience redemption from this life (and all it's ailments). You are the embodiment of beautiful my Bella. Congratulations for the huge strides you have taken in your short 2.5 years on this earth, thank you for ministering to me every day and teaching me more about our maker. I love you.

Mommy (or Mimi as you call me so perfectly now).

Autism: That the Works of God Might Be Displayed

Life got very raw at the Earls house yesterday. I (Annie) had a bit of a, "I'm the mother of an autistic child" breakdown. I felt like I lost complete control (literally of my emotions and my life) as I saw a video of a grown up with autism who had not progressed past, well... infancy really. I felt like I wanted to hold onto Bella and never let go. I wanted to impart all of the wisdom my feeble mind has to offer into her mind (as if it was that easy) ... I felt frantic for a cure that does not exist.... that feeling of such finality is sinking and it wrenched my stomach...

(PS I don't write this to be a downer, this is just our journey....we feel it's important to remember and recall these days)

I am taking a class right now that deals with transition services or, in other words, preparing students to transition into adulthood. Apparently, seeing adults with autism who have had to be placed in special facilities because their parents are too old to take care of them anymore, was just a little too much for me to bare. In my deepest heart of hearts, I believe our Bella will progress beyond where those people in that video were.... I now know, however, that I must mentally and spiritually prepare myself before I click on any video or link that deals with autism because the wound goes so deep within me.

With that said, I cannot take away God's glory in this situation. I was YEARNING for His word today, I was spiritually parched. I remember days long ago when I would beg for a desire to "yearn to read the Bible"...but now, it's like nothing else speaks any truth except that very thing. First, I read this....

John 9:1-3 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

If you have a child with a disability, it's hard not feel responsible in some way for their imperfections. In all reality it is sin that caused man's imperfections ... which makes me hate sin so much more. I hate it for Bella so much. In fact, last night I told Josh (ok I cried it to him) that I really HATE AUTISM. I don't feel bad saying that either. It's the result of fallen man. If I could scream that from the mountain tops I would. Ok, back to the verse...

The disciples and Jesus passed by the blind man (who was blind from birth) and I'm sure had experienced much turmoil because of this throughout his life.... the disciples asked Christ why he was blind (surely because of the sin of the parents or the child).... but, and this was where I took a deep refreshed breath.... he was blind/disabled so that...THE WORKS OF GOD MIGHT BE DISPLAYED IN HIM...

This verse is like a cool glass of water for my parched soul. God created Bella in a divine manner, with autism (which we've determined I hate). I don't hate God, I don't hate Bella (obviously), I hate the suffering she will encounter due to autsim. BUT, he created Bella just the way she is so that HIS WORKS might be displayed THROUGH HER. God can use our Bella in amazing ways. He teaches me everyday to depend on Him. He teaches me to love my husband more. He makes me sacrifice myself and my daughter and lay her at his feet every morning in perfect submission. He is already using her to teach us as parents.

I love her so much. So, as much as I hate autism, I am thankful for it. I'm thankful for the blessing it is (a quiet blessing that is planted in the soils of our hearts and cultivated...and grows with firm roots into something beautiful and strong).

Thank you God.

Friends, we ask you to pray that our Bella would experience amazing growth in her mental and spiritual understanding throughout her life....I believe God has great things in store for this little girl:)

Internal Splinters

Today I went to Naval Medical Center in Portsmouth, VA for some physical therapy (yes, I'm an 80 year old woman). I was NOT wearing Depends or using a walking stick so I feel like I'm still young at heart (on the inside anyway). It was actually crazy, I was walking down the halls looking at all of the people in uniform wishing I could stand in their shoes for a second. If I could just live their life only for a moment, then I could find out why some of them look so sad, so determined, so numb, so joyful...what's going on in each of their lives at that very moment? As a chaplain's wife, after hearing all of the sad and happy stories the military has to offer, I can conjure up many outlandish possibilities at the feelings/stories of these service members. When I think of the internal battles these poor sailors and soldiers face, sometimes I want to just stop and hug them. It's just the silly way I think hugs heal wounds. I hate sometimes that we can't fix sad people. What can I say to help them know that it will be ok?

The truth is, I can't say anything. The only thing that will fill them up is Christ's love.

I was also stricken with awe (as I started therapy in the naval hospital) at the amount of men and women (both active and our dear vets) who have been wounded in battle. The crazy part was, the age range was vast. Though some were barely 20, and others in their 80's--their determination was the same. These men that I saw (most of them missing a limb with clearly evident body wounds) would just close their eyes, as if to recall their former self, and work out as hard as I've ever seen. Maybe they close their eyes and dream of a future self, with less pain??? Maybe they close their eyes to shut out the rest of us and just focus on healing. In any case, they are such hero's to me. I wanted to stop my "stupid little back therapy" (which seems less important when these guys are around) and make an "announcement" to the entire room. I wanted to literally stand on a chair and proclaim my thanks..."You sir, have made the ultimate sacrifice and I have no way to repay you but to say this...". I did not make my proclamation today, but give me time my friends. In some capacity I plan to thank these men/women I see in therapy, even if just with a friendly smile:)

I am blessed. I go to sleep and wake up next to my groom who serves our country every day. He spends his time hearing about the hardest inner and outer turmoils you can imagine. He even counsels over the phone after work sometimes....and I am so proud to be his wife. He has not been physically wounded, and for that I am thankful! He does however bare wounds, he bares them WITH his men and women. The wounds that are hidden. He helps work them to the surface so they can work them out like painful splinters (once out, healing begins). Friends, the men and women of the armed forces are hurting. They need so much love and support it's crazy. Mostly because they are deployed so often. Mostly because they miss the birth of their children or the death of their children or loved ones. They miss their family, their home. They've got little splinters inside that need working out...I'm pretty sure Christ is the only one with such a delicate touch, He removes internal splinters...

How comfortable are you today? Cozied up in your comfy chair, checking email, Facebook, or blogs? Imagine living in a desert or on a ship. Imagine life without all of the creature comforts you have.... then imagine taking all of your loved ones away. There you have it. Pray for your troops, because they ARE YOUR TROOPS... after all. Nothing hurts my heart more than when we are not supportive of our men and women in uniform.

Next time you see someone whether active, or vet...thank them, I know I will!

Annie