This Season of Regression

Matthew 11:29-30

New International Version (NIV)

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

My husband and I were discussing the season of life we are in right now.  It's a hard season like winter is hard....it is dark, cold, and difficult to thrive in yet we find shelter from it in the warmth of a fire, safely nuzzled in our homes. It's a season of regression for Bella, a season of busy work schedules for Josh, a season of newborn babies, master's homework, and lack of sleep.  This is the season we are in and I have to tell you friends, Matthew 11:29-30 is my shelter today.

What does it mean to take Christ's yoke upon us?  I am not scholar of the Word but a yoke was used on oxen in days of old to carry heavy loads, it helped bare the weight.  Josh and I discussed this season and decided that no amount of extra sleep, or good days for Bella, or smiles from Adeline will help us function in times of suffering.  We MUST bare the weight of suffering WITH Christ, in unison.  I have found no other way to deal with lifelong disability.  I woke today feeling joy although my sweet Bella left me with little sleep.  She often wakes up at night (as she did last night from 1am-6am) and jumps on her bed, repeatedly screams phrases 100's of times, screams in anger, laughs hysterically... you get the picture.  As I was laying in bed watching the hours pass I pondered this life.  I wondered how God decided that Josh and I were strong enough for this season. That we could handle 24 hours of extreme tantrums, chairs being thrown, dents in the floor from computers being thrown... I awoke feeling blessed and I cannot explain this apart from the yoke of Christ.

Bella has been in a state of regression for the past six months and it is heartbreaking for us to watch.  We have seen the doctor, worked with therapists, changed school settings, and are still searching for the missing piece to "fix her".  The reality is, God is in control and he may not "fix her" today or any day.  I will diligently fight to help my sweet child become less frustrated, to stop hitting herself repeated, to stop screaming.  I will try my best to ignore her tantrums and reward her good behavior.... but all this pales in comparison to my prayers on her behalf to a merciful God who may choose to ease her pain.

When she was asleep, with tears running down my face, I begged God to begin healing her again (like he has done in the past).  I asked him to end regression and ease the pain I see in her face and throughout her body when she tries functioning in this world.  He may choose to do so, or he may not....but, He knows.  He hears me.  He woke me this morning to Adeline...my sweet tempered/divinely calm baby who smiled at my face and showed me it's ok.  To a husband who holds me when I cry and does late night runs to buy things to brighten my day.

God is good.  His burden is light and easy and something I cling to today.

I love my life.

Christmas and Autism

Christmas is my favorite time of year!! As a child I used to peak under my door to see if I could get a glimpse of Santa's boot as he filled my house with presents.  My parents did a great job with Santa-antics, while still building a firm understanding of the true "Reason for the Season", the birth of Jesus Christ.

Before I became a parent, I imagined myself with kids... being that mom who went "all out" to make sure my offspring believed in Santa!  I still think the idea of Santa is magical....and I we all know I love magical things (hint: HP fan).  So, why does Christmas always leave me with a feeling of regret?  Well, it's because our Bella doesn't understand the concept of Santa, never has.  When she was younger, I tried to start some of the traditions that most households uphold (nativities, advents...ect), only to realize she would break the angels wings off and try to eat baby Jesus.  Poor baby Jesus ;) Our recent trip to a holiday light show reminded me of her sensory processing issues:(  Oh and Santa involves long lines (she really hates waiting).  So, I'm left with the realization that the whole "You better be good because Santa and his elves are watching" just won't fly.  In fact, this new "Elf on the Shelf" idea (genius by the way), is not something we can participate in because she has no understanding to connect the idea of "if I'm good, a magical person will make presents appear".  So much pressure on you parents... I do not envy you:)

Bella cares about spinning, laughing, tickles, and love.  She cares not one ounce about how many presents she will receive or if her sister will get more than her.  You know what?  It's a relief.  I often feel bad for parents of typical children because there is so much pressure at Christmas time.  So, although it sometimes saddens me that we have yet to be able to help Bella believe in Santa, I realize there is someone far more real who she needs to know.

Bella needs to know Jesus.  I could spend a year trying to help her understand the concept of Santa, or spend a lifetime talking about Jesus, praying to Jesus, praying on her behalf to Jesus.  

Today, I am thankful that autism shows me I need Jesus.  Today I am refocusing my efforts on Christ, and proclaiming his birth to my children.  Maybe one day Bella and Adeline will understand the concept of Santa (which would be so wonderful), but even more importantly the knowledge that Christ was born as a man, was crucified, and died for their sins.  That they can know the power of His  might (which far exceeds magic).

That is what Christmas means to me.  Don't let the hustle and bustle of the season take away from its true meaning:)

God Cares About the Little Prayers: Adeline's Birth Story

God really does care about the "little prayers"..... you know the ones that seem so small and  lie deep within our hearts.

Since deciding to "try for another child" I have been overcome with the fear of the "what if's?"....

What if we can't get pregnant again?
What if we DO get pregnant again?
What if I am unable to carry another child to term?
What if Bella reacts negatively to a sibling?
What if I am not strong enough as a mother of two?

The list could literally go on for days and I've come to the sad conclusion that my list of "what if's" was a general lack of faith in God's concern for the "little prayers". Well, once I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, I began praying out my little prayers.  I was almost embarrassed to approach the throne of God with such meager requests....but then I remembered what the Bible says, 

Mark 11:24 

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

I am not naive to the fact that God is the ultimate authority on the the happenings of my life.  After all, He is the orchestrator of life and death and what comes and goes between the two.  I prayed for a healthy baby in Bella, and I received our Bella early, with complications, and later with autism....to God be the glory.  My prayers were not answered in the way I had formulated them in my heart.  My Father however, knowing that Josh and I were created for a child like Bella, in all actuality gave us a "special gift" we had not the words to ask for.  I cherish her.

So, that leads me to Sunday.... October 13, 2013.  The day our sweet Adeline was born.  She is now one week old and I wanted to share how God cherished and granted the "little" requests that were buried deep in my heart. 

I prayed for a safe pregnancy, and it was granted.

I prayed for energy to continue to be Bella's mom and it was granted.

I prayed for the fear of an early delivery to be taken away, and it was granted.

I prayed for a child full term, and she arrived fully formed.

I prayed for a fast and "easy" (ha!) delivery, and it was fast and furious and as easy and I could imagine a birth going.

I prayed for a healthy little girl, and Adeline was healthy.

I prayed that I would be able to breast feed, and I am doing it!

I prayed that when Bella met Adeline, she would be calm and joyful....and it was so.

I prayed that Bella would not regress due to the presence of our sweet Adeline, and she has not.

God you are so good.

I am cherishing the lack of sleep and quiet family moments we are having at the Earls house.  My husband is a rock and there is something super sexy about a man doing all of the household chores:)

Meet Adeline Mary Earls 

I wanted to also include a beautiful song I found this week which has been such a blessing to my heart as a new mother.  It's a rendition of the Lord's Prayer (the most beautiful one I've ever heard).