As I type this, my child is screaming and flailing around on the ground inflicting injury to herself. She is frustrated at something or nothing at all and I cannot help her. I am existing in a state of utter helplessness and as a mother, that is the last place one desires to exist. Today autism got the best of me... it got the best of Bella too:(
We have started biomedical treatments and Bella is indeed experiencing (what we have read she could experience) regression. Not just regression...aggression. It's been said these treatments bring about hard times at first, then as the child continues treatments they (might) later experience amazing gains. Or, she may just be naturally regressing, I don't know. So, today I'm focusing on gains and not losses. I'm praying the treatments succeed with all my heart..... but am not naive to the fact that they may not.
I am emotionally empty at this moment, yet being sustained by Christ's quiet and tender mercy. My eyes are tired from crying. My countenance fights for positivity. If I was the maker or sustainer of life I would take autism away. I can't make my child speak or think in the capacity she should, only God can. I talked to Kiki the other day and told her that I woke up and boldly asked God, "Is this really my life?" then I pleaded with Him, "If this is our journey in life (and it is), please fill me up with your strength because it's hard and I am literally helpless without you". I realized today that I fail to give God glory in autism far too often. To praise him for Bella's life (not just with my words but with my heart). To thank him for choosing her for us. Today someone wise told me that each day, God is working to heal his creation, to restore it to the full glory it was meant to experience. This filled my heart to the brim. To know that every second Bella breathes is a second closer to being fully renewed in Christ. Will she be restored on earth? I'd give ANYTHING to know, but she WILL most certainly be restored in heaven my friends.
Just being real. Most days in this household are full of joy and silliness.....and others are full prayer.... it's autism in real life and I am choosing today to be thankful for this journey God has given us...
Josh, I know if you were here I would be renewed through your earthly affections and tireless positivity. But, you are not and I know God has a purpose for your absence. It makes me stronger. It makes me rely on Him more so I must be thankful.
On another note, if there was a frozen yogurt kiosk in my bedroom, life might be 78% easier;) Yes, it would contain chocolate/peanut butter soft-serve with endless amounts of Reeses peanut butter toppings. Can you tell how thoroughly this has been pondered?
thoughts and prayers of strength, understanding and joy are being sent your way. my heart understands exactly what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteit has been a week full of challenges in our household this week and i found myself meditating on this verse: "the LORD your GOD is with you. HE is mighty to save. HE will take great delight in you. HE will quiet you with HIS love. HE will rejoice over you with singings."
Annie, God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers as is Bella daily. I am here, if you need me, if you need a break. I'm only a few minutes drive away. You and Bella are welcome anytime.
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