Wednesday, January 29, 2014

This Season of Regression

Matthew 11:29-30

New International Version (NIV)
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

My husband and I were discussing the season of life we are in right now.  It's a hard season like winter is is dark, cold, and difficult to thrive in yet we find shelter from it in the warmth of a fire, safely nuzzled in our homes. It's a season of regression for Bella, a season of busy work schedules for Josh, a season of newborn babies, master's homework, and lack of sleep.  This is the season we are in and I have to tell you friends, Matthew 11:29-30 is my shelter today.

What does it mean to take Christ's yoke upon us?  I am not scholar of the Word but a yoke was used on oxen in days of old to carry heavy loads, it helped bare the weight.  Josh and I discussed this season and decided that no amount of extra sleep, or good days for Bella, or smiles from Adeline will help us function in times of suffering.  We MUST bare the weight of suffering WITH Christ, in unison.  I have found no other way to deal with lifelong disability.  I woke today feeling joy although my sweet Bella left me with little sleep.  She often wakes up at night (as she did last night from 1am-6am) and jumps on her bed, repeatedly screams phrases 100's of times, screams in anger, laughs hysterically... you get the picture.  As I was laying in bed watching the hours pass I pondered this life.  I wondered how God decided that Josh and I were strong enough for this season. That we could handle 24 hours of extreme tantrums, chairs being thrown, dents in the floor from computers being thrown... I awoke feeling blessed and I cannot explain this apart from the yoke of Christ.

Bella has been in a state of regression for the past six months and it is heartbreaking for us to watch.  We have seen the doctor, worked with therapists, changed school settings, and are still searching for the missing piece to "fix her".  The reality is, God is in control and he may not "fix her" today or any day.  I will diligently fight to help my sweet child become less frustrated, to stop hitting herself repeated, to stop screaming.  I will try my best to ignore her tantrums and reward her good behavior.... but all this pales in comparison to my prayers on her behalf to a merciful God who may choose to ease her pain.

When she was asleep, with tears running down my face, I begged God to begin healing her again (like he has done in the past).  I asked him to end regression and ease the pain I see in her face and throughout her body when she tries functioning in this world.  He may choose to do so, or he may not....but, He knows.  He hears me.  He woke me this morning to sweet tempered/divinely calm baby who smiled at my face and showed me it's ok.  To a husband who holds me when I cry and does late night runs to buy things to brighten my day.

God is good.  His burden is light and easy and something I cling to today.

I love my life.