I feel like Josh, Bella, and I are starting our lives from scratch right now. I know for me personally, I've never felt so completely vulnerable. I feel like the very core of my heart is numb. Aren't these times where God, in His most gentle and tender way, begins to revive our hearts? I've had such good days since the diagnosis but, today was not one of them.
I looked at Bella today (who had been crying ALL morning over one thing she wanted, which I couldn't figure out... of course)…. and my heart broke. I said, "Honey, I don't know what you want….I don't know how to help you". I really don't, that's the hard part. Now that I know she is autistic, I look at her different. Not in a bad way.. It's just that I've lived my life (without a disability) and it was still hard with lots of hurdles and heart break. My life has also been full of joy beyond measure. Bella has yet to experience many things and I can only pray that she develops to the point where she CAN have all of these experiences. Will she be able to fully speak her mind? Will she truly understand happiness or sadness. Will she ever grasp the love we have for her and be able to have a child of her own to lavish with this love? It's a possibility that she will not. Or, she may. It's just a heavy feeling, the unknown. I wish God would grant me a glimpse into the future so that I could prepare myself for what's to come.
I'm overwhelmed. There are so many therapies, diets, and "plans" out there for the treatment of autism and they are all very different. My prayer is that God would lead us to the right one. The one that would help Bella overcome. I believe in my heart of hearts that Bella is going to do amazing things. She's a fighter and so are her parents. We will fight to the bitter end, for the rest of our lives for this girl. Most important, I pray daily that she would know her Father.
On a lighter note, I told Josh today that she'll be the most fashionable little autistic diva anyone's ever met. That's the truth;)
I love her.