Sunday, December 12, 2010

We just hit the "reset" button on our lives….


I feel like Josh, Bella, and I are starting our lives from scratch right now. I know for me personally, I've never felt so completely vulnerable. I feel like the very core of my heart is numb. Aren't these times where God, in His most gentle and tender way, begins to revive our hearts? I've had such good days since the diagnosis but, today was not one of them.

I looked at Bella today (who had been crying ALL morning over one thing she wanted, which I couldn't figure out... of course)…. and my heart broke. I said, "Honey, I don't know what you want….I don't know how to help you". I really don't, that's the hard part. Now that I know she is autistic, I look at her different. Not in a bad way.. It's just that I've lived my life (without a disability) and it was still hard with lots of hurdles and heart break. My life has also been full of joy beyond measure. Bella has yet to experience many things and I can only pray that she develops to the point where she CAN have all of these experiences. Will she be able to fully speak her mind? Will she truly understand happiness or sadness. Will she ever grasp the love we have for her and be able to have a child of her own to lavish with this love? It's a possibility that she will not. Or, she may. It's just a heavy feeling, the unknown. I wish God would grant me a glimpse into the future so that I could prepare myself for what's to come.

I'm overwhelmed. There are so many therapies, diets, and "plans" out there for the treatment of autism and they are all very different. My prayer is that God would lead us to the right one. The one that would help Bella overcome. I believe in my heart of hearts that Bella is going to do amazing things. She's a fighter and so are her parents. We will fight to the bitter end, for the rest of our lives for this girl. Most important, I pray daily that she would know her Father.

On a lighter note, I told Josh today that she'll be the most fashionable little autistic diva anyone's ever met. That's the truth;)

I love her.


  1. I am sorry for your pain. I think of you several times a day.
    Can you take pictures of her favorite things and make a board for her to point to? That way you can know what she wants? I don't know if 2 year olds can do that... But, I hope Bella can! That would be so cool.
    Thanks for sharing your pain. It takes guts and the rawness that you feel WILL cease. God is with you and You are dearly bought, highly esteemed, and redeemed by Jesus blood. He WILL and DOES sustain you and Bella couldn't be in better hands with God, her Father leading and directing her every step.
    You are loved.

  2. A friend of yours, Liesel Lancaster, shared your blog with me tonight. Reading this made me re-count the day we got the same news about our little girl Hope. She was 15 months old and she too was always behind. God has been so good and so faithful to bring along some wonderful therapists to help her. We just moved to a different state so it's been a process having to go through all the red-tape but we are well on our way.

    Autism has been a blessing as it continues to bring us closer as a family and closer to God. Reading your words are like reading my own. It's was nice feeling like there was someone else out there going through what we are going through. Thank you for sharing your are in my prayers. Oh, and I lived in San Diego for over 20 years...wish we were there now :)