Monday, November 29, 2010
Good hard & terrible hard...
Bella now vs when you left. She's the same but soooo different!! She's a lady now:)
I told Josh the other day that deployment is hard. It's good hard and terrible hard all at the same time. The good hard involves the way God has worked in my heart to grow my love for Him. I can honestly say that I've had to rely more on God than ever before. I prayed the other night for God to give me the strength, mercy, and joy of two people (me and Josh). I know in my heart that Bella would benefit more from the presence of Josh. He's more calm, more snuggly, and generally cuter than me. But, I know God has given me everything I need to take care of my girl. I honestly don't know how military wives do it with more than one child. I'm sure this is something I will find out down the road...and that scares me. :)
I am thankful for deployment because I love my husband more. Yes, more than on our wedding day. You might wonder how this is possible? Well, first... on your wedding day you "love" your spouse... no doubt. But, you don't get to see them at their best/worst in life. You don't get to laugh so hard you cry together. You haven't had to depend on one another the same way you do in a marriage full of joy and sorrow. You don't get so mad at them you want to scream... but then have "the talk" and love them even more after the fact. We decided that deployment was going to be a good thing. Mostly because it is OUR ministry. Second, our love (and this deployment) is like fine wine.... the longer we wait to taste it, the better it becomes. I will say, yesterday I thought to myself.... we CANNOT do this again (deployment that is)... it's too hard. I mean, I really do feel that way. But, then... a little whisper in my heart tells me that we were made for this very purpose. That HE is stronger and more joyful than I could ever be and that I have access to this strength and joy at all times.
Now, terrible hard... what is that? Well, it's when you love someone so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them. They are you soul mate and best friend. But, then you realize they won't always be around. So, you feel a little lost without them. Like something inside you is missing. That would be some of your heart. It's ok, I think, to feel sad sometimes. To desire them in your presence.
So, all of that said... I was filling out my calendar for December and I actually got to "write down" the day Josh comes home:) Just seeing it on the calendar got me so excited I literally started to shake! It's surreal to think I will have him back. Bella has no idea how much sweeter life is with daddy. :)