I told Josh today that I feel like we are under a heavy cloud right now. It's full of rain and keeps pouring. I am thankful that God gives me (us) any joy in tough times because I don't know how we would do it otherwise. I am not going to complain, or throw a pity party for myself but, I honestly feel exhausted. I have joy, it is deep in my soul and it is from Him.... but my heart aches a little. It hurts like the feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing how to solve something or not having the capacity to help someone who is hurting. I've been sick, Bella's been sick, Josh is sick, then I got sick again---vicious. I know we are not the only family to get sick this winter but I'm a little "spent" and the sickness has truly refined me.
We will survive. The sun will come out again and our joy will be complete in Him.
We are still working on revamping our eating. I say "we" because our little family is going to do this. We are all going to eat like Bella. Praise God we had already started the Paleo Plan (shout out to Josh who has lost almost 40lbs this year--extra shout out to our friends the Lee's who are Paleo professionals to say the least). The whole Gluten Free, Casein Free, Soy Free diet is a doozy. It's pretty much hard core. It's a bit confusing to me still (even though I have bought every book in existence on the diet). Gluten is found in household products as well as food so ... yah. When I go to the supermarket I am like walking in circles trying to figure out what I can and cannot buy. All in time though. Speaking of supermarkets....
She has a hard time in public places. A lady that runs the day care at my gym came up to me today to ask why I never come to the gym anymore and where Bella was.... I hadn't seen her in like 7 months. I told her that Bella has been diagnosed with autism and that last time I tried to bring her to the gym day care she banged her head on the floor the entire time to the point where she was bruised. She then got frustrated from the pain in her head and wacked herself in the face with a toy until she bled. Yah, that's why I don't go to the gym anymore. It used to be my outlet:( I feel selfish for even trying now. It's unfair to Bella, she really hates it. So, I go when Josh can watch her but .... then I hate leaving his presence when he gets home from work--- so, I guess I will focus on eating healthy (wink).
Today Bella (despite my best efforts) was frustrated. I'm pretty sure she cried all day long. Over this or that ... basically, she hates that I don't know what she wants. But, she cannot tell me. She doesn't really speak, she doesn't point. She just runs and screams. Like if she wants juice, she'll run into the kitchen and cry. Sometimes she'll show me by standing by the fridge door.... sometimes she'll grab what she wants... other times she just throws herself on the floor in full tantrum. I look into her sweet little eyes and say the words I think she's trying to say, we go through the list of EVERYTHING in that kitchen until we figure it out. By the end of one trip to get juice, I need a nap. I love her so much.
Autism is hard. I cannot fix her. I hate that. It makes me cry. I am doing and will do EVERYTHING in my power to give her the best of everything though. One day, I feel like I'm going to look back on days like these and smile at how far God has brought our girl. I can't think that far ahead though, I have to make today count.
We met with her Early Learning Intervention team yesterday, they will help with the everyday communication, play issues. Tomorrow she meets with Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy. She's one busy little lady. I could not be more excited to start these programs.
That is life today, tomorrow is new and blessed. Did I mention, I love my husband. He's so patient. I can see it in his eyes --- that same thing I feel. We want to "heal" Bella. We want to take it away, but we can't. We CAN love her and give her every ounce of "us" there is to give though.
It's official that was a pity party. It's done now, so I am going to watch 30 Rock.