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So the days of deployment are growing short and I will be back at home early next week. I have been away about 7 months and in my mind things have remained the same at home, kind of frozen in time.
Of course I know that's not true. Alot has changed. Bella is now 2 years old (she was 18 months when I left), she has been diagnosed with Autism, and Annie has been a single parent for 7 months. (Oh and Annie just turned 30, so I am coming home to an old woman!)
I find myself thinking "was this worth it" was time away from family worth. Was it worth not being there to help raise my daughter, or was it worth missing the painful news that Bella is Autistic? To tell you the truth if you asked me these questions when I found out that Bella has Autism I would have said no, HECK NO!!! (or imagine any other word).
But thinking about it now, I think both Annie and I would say yes! Over these past 7 months we have both had the opportunity to see the Lord work in amazing ways in our lives. We have had the chance to minister to others in need and to be ministered to by others. This is what life is about and where real meaning in life is found!
For the past 7 years of my life I have been married to the most amazing and wonderful woman in the world, and with her I have learned what it means to rely upon God, what it means to truly believe the promises of God. "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28). "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." (John 6:35). "And behold, I am with you always even to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
So is it worth it? YES! Because in the pain we learn to rely upon God and His promises. When we are stripped from all the things that we have relied upon we begin to see what we truly put our trust in. And when we see, feel, experience Christ meeting us in our pain and redeeming it through love, and ministry to and from others, our faith in Him is strengthened. For all these reasons it is worth it to risk a light momentary affliction.

Josh

Anticipation.

Joshua,

I literally cannot wait. When I think of you, me, and Bella together on Christmas morning, I smile… I laugh… I cry. We are waiting in anticipation to see our favorite boy in the whole world walk off of that ship. I can count the days on my fingers and that makes me happy.

I love you.

Your wife :)

We just hit the "reset" button on our lives….

RESET.

I feel like Josh, Bella, and I are starting our lives from scratch right now. I know for me personally, I've never felt so completely vulnerable. I feel like the very core of my heart is numb. Aren't these times where God, in His most gentle and tender way, begins to revive our hearts? I've had such good days since the diagnosis but, today was not one of them.

I looked at Bella today (who had been crying ALL morning over one thing she wanted, which I couldn't figure out... of course)…. and my heart broke. I said, "Honey, I don't know what you want….I don't know how to help you". I really don't, that's the hard part. Now that I know she is autistic, I look at her different. Not in a bad way.. It's just that I've lived my life (without a disability) and it was still hard with lots of hurdles and heart break. My life has also been full of joy beyond measure. Bella has yet to experience many things and I can only pray that she develops to the point where she CAN have all of these experiences. Will she be able to fully speak her mind? Will she truly understand happiness or sadness. Will she ever grasp the love we have for her and be able to have a child of her own to lavish with this love? It's a possibility that she will not. Or, she may. It's just a heavy feeling, the unknown. I wish God would grant me a glimpse into the future so that I could prepare myself for what's to come.

I'm overwhelmed. There are so many therapies, diets, and "plans" out there for the treatment of autism and they are all very different. My prayer is that God would lead us to the right one. The one that would help Bella overcome. I believe in my heart of hearts that Bella is going to do amazing things. She's a fighter and so are her parents. We will fight to the bitter end, for the rest of our lives for this girl. Most important, I pray daily that she would know her Father.

On a lighter note, I told Josh today that she'll be the most fashionable little autistic diva anyone's ever met. That's the truth;)

I love her.