Thursday, August 26, 2010

Looking into her eyes is like taking a fresh breath of Josh...

So, it's just one of those days. The days where no matter what you do, it's just blah. I mean, it's actually gorgeous outside and my sweet Bella is taking a nap. I should be enjoying the solitude and busying myself with homework for my masters class (which happens to be terribly boring this time around, educational research…yuck). Really though, all I seem to think about is Josh. When I sleep at night I will wake up suddenly thinking he's there and that is hard to snap out of… I realized, the other day, that whenever I go into a clothing store I always walk down the men's clothing isle first. I grab shirts in Josh's size and picture him wearing them... smell cologne… Yes, I'm basically crazy….because I just miss him. Who does that? I'm sure the store clerks have a mean nickname for me by now but oh well!?

My Bella keeps me on my toes and never seems to let on that she's homesick. She is my light, my little person. Looking into her eyes is like taking a fresh breath of Josh, and for that I adore her. She loves it here in Michigan and stays busy with her doll house (that Nanna Koole bought) and all of the other new goodies at this house. She likes to play games with Poppa Koole and run full speed... no matter where she is going:)

For those of you who don't know, Bella has had a few medical issues (namely Hydrocephalus or fluid on the brain). She was also born seven weeks early and has always been a bit behind in all of her milestones. The doctors have been monitoring her head circumference and at this point it seems to be going down which could indicate the fluid may be re-absorbing back into her body naturally. This is awesome news because the other alternative involved surgery. Praise God. She is now being recommended to see a Developmental Pediatrician because she has trouble communicating and is delayed in a few other areas. Of course, as her mother, I wish only the absolute best for my little one. To me she is perfect in every way. The doctors (at this point) say she could just be catching up, on her own timeline, or have another medical issue that will need to be pinpointed in upcoming visits. So, my heart is heavy at times about how to best care for her, how to help her catch up. We read tons, and work tirelessly on everyday communication. I've decided I'm going to leave the rest in the Lords hands. After all, he created Bella just the way she is and created me to love her endlessly.

I'll keep you all posted on her upcoming visits to the doctors. I will be heading to Norfolk in November to get back together with her caregivers there and really start getting some answers. Or find that there are no answers needed and that Bella is just Bella (on her own timetable)--my sweetness.


  1. praying for you and bella and josh. niki.

  2. You are one incredible mama, lady! Bella is so blessed to call you her mom. What a sweetie pie. Praying for you. With as busy as you are, November will be here sooner than you think. Hope you get to Skype Josh again soon.