Tuesday, June 21, 2011
On this side of heaven, or the other...
Me to Josh in tears:
"It's hard for me to pray to God about Bella, because I ask him to heal her and there's a huge chance He won't....I feel stupid even asking"
Josh to me in tears:
"He will heal Bella, either this side of heaven or the other"
How many times do I pray myself to sleep begging God to take away Bella's autism. Lots. It's true, I feel silly praying that prayer because her life (most likely) will be a constant up hill battle. But, as a mother who knows the capacity God has to heal, I cannot and will not stop praying the "big prayers". I remind myself of all of the times I have praised God for choosing Bella for us and that her disability was planned before she came to be. That when God plans out blueprints, he chooses special people for children like Bella, ones who will extol His name continuously. The fact is, we have no choice. Bella's condition makes us cry out to God daily (for strength and joy) and for that I am thankful). However, some days I want God to hit the "rewind button" as if he made a mistake and will press play again and our lives somehow will be perfect. In my soul I don't want that at all. I want God's plan for us to run it's perfect course. I love Bella just the way she is and have already seen how God has used her in the lives of countless individuals (including ourselves) to bring them closer to God. She's a little missionary for sure.
When I have these days, sometimes I shut my eyes and picture Bella in heaven. Her body in perfect condition, her mind....well healed. My eyes fill with tears at this thought. It's a beautiful picture and is sweet as honey to my heart. I will hold her hand and discuss the ways I love her and how God is good no matter what.
I think I have decided to pray for small miracles (a new word, or a day free of tantrums), even though I'm the type of person who is "all in" or nothing:) I like praying big prayers for some reason. As though the little prayers are too small for God. I specifically pray today that the words trapped in her mind would be released (I know she understands far more than we are aware). Every once in a while she will pick up letters and name them one by one out of order, or say a phrase in context, or the entire alphabet. Lord show us your power.
No matter what Lord, your will be done (even though your will might not match mine completely, I surrender that to you). :)