Tuesday, June 21, 2011

On this side of heaven, or the other...

Me to Josh in tears:

"It's hard for me to pray to God about Bella, because I ask him to heal her and there's a huge chance He won't....I feel stupid even asking"

Josh to me in tears:

"He will heal Bella, either this side of heaven or the other"

How many times do I pray myself to sleep begging God to take away Bella's autism. Lots. It's true, I feel silly praying that prayer because her life (most likely) will be a constant up hill battle. But, as a mother who knows the capacity God has to heal, I cannot and will not stop praying the "big prayers". I remind myself of all of the times I have praised God for choosing Bella for us and that her disability was planned before she came to be. That when God plans out blueprints, he chooses special people for children like Bella, ones who will extol His name continuously. The fact is, we have no choice. Bella's condition makes us cry out to God daily (for strength and joy) and for that I am thankful). However, some days I want God to hit the "rewind button" as if he made a mistake and will press play again and our lives somehow will be perfect. In my soul I don't want that at all. I want God's plan for us to run it's perfect course. I love Bella just the way she is and have already seen how God has used her in the lives of countless individuals (including ourselves) to bring them closer to God. She's a little missionary for sure.

When I have these days, sometimes I shut my eyes and picture Bella in heaven. Her body in perfect condition, her mind....well healed. My eyes fill with tears at this thought. It's a beautiful picture and is sweet as honey to my heart. I will hold her hand and discuss the ways I love her and how God is good no matter what.

I think I have decided to pray for small miracles (a new word, or a day free of tantrums), even though I'm the type of person who is "all in" or nothing:) I like praying big prayers for some reason. As though the little prayers are too small for God. I specifically pray today that the words trapped in her mind would be released (I know she understands far more than we are aware). Every once in a while she will pick up letters and name them one by one out of order, or say a phrase in context, or the entire alphabet. Lord show us your power.

No matter what Lord, your will be done (even though your will might not match mine completely, I surrender that to you). :)


  1. Annie, this is such a powerful post for me this morning. It reminds me to trust God for "small things" more often because He cares for us. Praising God for Bella and praying for your and Josh's encouragement to continue on full of joy and strength just like you mentioned. =)

    Love to you from Mississippi!
    -Hillary Hale (Whitney's sis-in-law)

  2. This is such a powerful post Annie! You and Josh are amazing and the perfect parents for sweet Bella. I am so privileged to know you both.

  3. Annie, I know we never knew each other well, but I need to say your family is such an inspiration to me. You are right, Bella is a little missionary. I love her even though I have never met her. Thank you guys for living the gospel like few people I have ever known. It is making a difference in ways you would never guess.

  4. A post that brings tears to my eyes and strength in my heart. I unfortunately know all too well what you are going through and can 100% relate this post. I couldn't have said it better myself. You are a strong woman, a wonderful mom and child of God. He will carry us through our struggles, no matter how big or small, HE IS ABLE. You are able. I will continue to pray for you and your family!

  5. Ladies, thanks so much for your encouraging words. I am fully preaching to myself and am glad God used that in your life in some capacity as well! God bless you girls!